


Si Vis Amari, Ama’

by wonton_wonho



Category: K-pop, Monsta X (Band), kiho - Fandom
Genre: Angst and Fluff and Smut, Fluff, Heavy Angst, M/M, like heavy heavy angst
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-07-11
Updated: 2017-07-22
Packaged: 2018-07-23 00:36:58
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 9,842
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7459767
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wonton_wonho/pseuds/wonton_wonho
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>‘Si Vis Amari, Ama’ - If you wish to be loved, love.</p><p>I’ve heard some people say you only get one chance at love. One love in this harsh world. One person who can save you, comfort you. One person who makes up your other half. One person, one chance. That’s it. And if you miss your chance at that one love? Then it’s all over.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

  * For [MinSeulgi](https://archiveofourown.org/users/MinSeulgi/gifts).



It’s funny how you don’t actually feel yourself falling in love. Love is like a trap. You only see it when it’s too late and you’ve already fallen into the trap. Love doesn’t let you go. No matter how hard you try you can never escape from love. Love keeps you hostage and demands things from you. That’s why love is dangerous. Love required giving but you couldn’t expect any taking. Love demands and you give but there’s never anything given back. A least that’s how Kihyun saw it. For years all he’d ever done was give and give to love. For years he expected his giving to finally pay off. All he’d ever wanted was for his love to love him back. Kihyun had sacrificed happiness for love. Kihyun has sacrificed his heart for love. And for what? Nothing. His love was never going be reciprocated at least not anymore. Before he’d had a chance and he’d missed it. The window of opportunity had closed. He’d given up everything for nothing. And if the sayings were true there was no second chance. At all.

Koi No Yokan. The sudden knowledge upon meeting someone that the two of you are destined to fall in love. That’s what Minhyuk had felt when he first saw his love. Destiny was one thing Minhyuk was always unsure of. Even when he was a trainee he was unsure whether music was his destiny but at that moment, when he first met his love, Minhyuk knew. He knew that they were destined to be together. And he couldn’t have been more wrong. Now the problem with feeling like you know your destiny is you get tricked into a false security. And that’s exactly what happened to Minhyuk. He spent his days watching his love from afar. Love slowly blossoming in his heart. The love he had made him feel safe, like nothing bad could ever happen. Love became his shield. Love tricks you. Love makes you feel as if you’re safe then when you aren’t suspecting love will stab you in the back. Minhyuk believed in love. Trusted love. Then when he relied on love the most he was stabbed in the back. Minhyuk felt that his love would surely only come to him but in the cruel reality love had blinded him from that wouldn’t happen.

They loved their loves for all they were and for what they weren’t. Only in return to be given poison in the form of love. And they drank it in remains of receiving what they desired. And they never stopped drinking it to the point that it costed them their lives.


	2. Chapter 1

Chapter 1

‘Amor Vincit Omnia’ – love conquers all. (These mean something. They link to the whole chapter and the whole book so pay attention to these. Also remember certain events because they will mean something in later chapters.)

“Why are they acting so touchy nowadays?” Jooheon whispers to Changkyun as they watch Hyungwonho play around. Changkyun sighs like it’s the thousandth time someone has asked that. And it was. Before Jooheon there was Shownu and before that Kihyun and before that Minhyuk. 

“Okay listen I have this hypothesis.” Jooheon eagerly nodded as he waited to hear Changkyun’s theory. Changkyun took a deep breath. “They’re dating.” Suddenly Jooheon burst out laughing and Changkyun sighed. It was the same reaction every time. Jooheon was laughing so hard that even Hyungwonho looked over from across the practise room. Changkyun gave Jooheon a sideways glare. 

“Dating? Haha dating. You’re a great joker Kyun-ah” Jooheon said as he wiped away tears from laughing too hard. 

“But Hyung I’m not joking. I’m being serious. Look at them.” They looked to Hyungwonho who were now back to holding hands and smiling at each other. “There’s no way those two aren’t dating. Don’t believe me if you don’t want to but those two are dating.” 

“Fine.” Jooheon smiled, still amused by the notion of Hyungwonho dating. “If they’re dating I’ll take you out for beef. If they aren’t you take me out for beef. If by a week they haven’t come out to the whole group you lose and I win. Deal?” Changkyun hesitantly nodded before shaking Jooheon’s hand, determined to win. Changkyun opened his mouth to taunt Jooheon about him winning when suddenly Wonho called a group meeting.  
The members gathered around, confused. They never really had group meetings and even when they did it was always Shownu who called them. Hyungwon abruptly stood up as everyone sat down. His cheeks had a pink tint and he kept tapping his foot. 

“Uhm….well I don’t know if this…was uhh…obvious?” Hyungwon stumbled over his words, clearly nervous. Wonho sighed and suddenly stood up and walked in front of Hyungwon, grabbing his hand in the process. 

“Just shhh. I got this.” He faced the rest of the group. “Guys, we’re officially dating. Yes we are very much in love and we hope you guys could support us.” Wonho beamed at the rest of the group while Hyungwon hid behind him. The group was silent for a second. Then suddenly Changkyun jumped up. 

“Hah! What did I tell you idiots? Huh? Now you owe me beef Jooheon.” Changkyun was shouting. Jooheon and Shownu were covering their ears but two members were still, staring into space. 

“You guys couldn’t have waited a week to tell us? Now I have to take Kyun out for beef.” Jooheon sighed but smiled, a way of showing he was happy for them. Shownu stood up and approached the couple. He put a hand on Wonho’s shoulder and looked him straight in the eyes. 

“Don’t let the fans know.” He smiled and the couple let out a sigh of relief. 

Eccedentesiast. Someone who fakes a smile when all they want to do is cry, disappear and/or die. Eccedentesiast was a word that perfectly described Minhyuk.

When Minhyuk first heard the words leave Wonho’s lips it was if the mirror he had been looking at shattered. Along with it his fantasy where he and Hyungwon were definitely going to end up together. The life he thought he was living suddenly fell apart in front of him taking him with it except instead of disappearing he ended up in a reality that seemed worse than hell. He couldn’t focus. He couldn’t think. He couldn’t move. He could only stare into space. It hurt. You’d think that there would only be pain in your heart but no. The love Minhyuk felt flowed in his blood through his body. His love took up every thought he had. Every breath he took. His love was his life line and it felt as if it had been cut off abruptly. He couldn’t breathe and the pain coursed through his body, spreading like wildfire. A burning sensation that consumed him yet all he could do was smile. Smile through the pain. Smile through the shock. Smile through the aching in his heart. He couldn’t move and he couldn’t breathe. He wanted to escape but he couldn’t. Instead he just smiled. 

Liefdesverdriet. The sadness, depression or pain one feels about a love unanswered or a love that is gone. A word that perfectly described the feelings Kihyun harboured within him.  
As Kihyun watched the words tumble from Wonho’s lips his stomach dropped. It was all so sudden. Anaesthetic takes a minute before the numbness sets in but it took Kihyun a second for the numbness to set in. It wasn’t his body that numbed, it was his feelings. They were still there but they were just dulled. His happiness faded. His sadness practically non-existent. But the one emotion that still stayed prominent was his love. While every other feeling was suppressed his love seemed to refuse to die down. After years of feeding his love, it had gotten so strong it didn’t want to die down. Kihyun watched them. They smiled and held hands. There was no sadness. Nothing. Just the love that he still harboured in his heart. Watching them his eyes glazed over, his stomach dropped even further and the feeling of nausea rose in his throat. The room was spinning and Kihyun suddenly needed to throw up. While everyone was overflowing with happiness and softly chattering with the new couple Kihyun was barely able to lift his body up. He tried to push his body up with his hands but his arms shook, threatening to give. After using every ounce of energy left in his body Kihyun finally stood up. His legs shook and the room was still spinning. His breathing was laboured and sweat dripped down his forehead. Kihyun could feel the nausea rising up in his throat. Kihyun suddenly sprinted out the door, slamming it behind him, leaving five confused members. As soon as Kihyun left the practice room his legs gave way and he fell to the floor again. Kihyun pushed himself up again, keeping his eyes fixed to the floor. His shoulder was leaned against the wall supporting his weak body. Spots danced before Kihyuns eyes blocking his view of the surroundings. Luckily the restroom was close. Kihyun rushed for the toilet, falling to the floor and leaned over it. Kihyuns throat burned as he threw up the contents of his stomach. Tears flowed down Kihyuns face as he continued to gag over the toilet, wanting to throw up more but nothing was coming up. The tears were uncontrollable. Kihyun was sobbing while still gagging over the toilet making it hard for him to breathe. The burning acidity from his stomach left a sour taste in his mouth, a distraction from the endless flow of tears and the ache he felt in his heart. After a few minutes of just sobbing and gagging, Kihyun finally flushed the toilet and leaned his back against the stall door. The tears refused to stop and Kihyun was now choking back sobs, scared someone would hear him. But no one did. He wanted the tears to stop but they wouldn’t. He wanted to leave and never come back but he couldn’t. So he just stayed there staring at the wall.


	3. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm not that happy with this chapter but you may think differently. Please enjoy.

Chapter 2

Kihyun's pov

'Semper Fidelis' – always faithful

You get to a certain point in crying where you aren't really crying but you are. No tears or broken sobs. Nothing. But on the inside it's a whole other story. When you get to the point where your tears are all dried up but there's a waterfall in your heart is when you realise you're in too deep. And that's exactly where I am. I shouldn't be crying but I am. I shouldn't be hiding but I am. I shouldn't have these feelings but I do. If anything I've broken every rule I ever set myself. I said I wouldn't cry unless out of happiness. I said I wouldn't run and hide from my problems. I said I'd stop my feelings for Wonho before it was too late. But that's the problem, I only ever said and never did. So here I am hiding in the toilets crying over my feelings for Wonho. I'm pathetic for hiding like a coward. I'm selfish for wanting Wonho to myself. I'm a horrible person for not wanting him happy. But love changes you. And what a changed person was I. Staring at the dull floor of the toilets, I couldn't even remember the Kihyun from trainee days. The Kihyun that didn't have these feelings. The Kihyun that wasn't messed up. The Kihyun who wasn't even love with a boy named Wonho. I couldn't even fathom a Kihyun that had no feelings for Wonho. Loving Wonho was the only thing I knew. The only thing I remember ever doing. Wonho was my life. And I'd lost him. To Hyungwon. I remembered the way they held hands and smiled at each other. I rushed to the toilet, bringing up nothing but gagging into the toilet anyway. I couldn’t stop myself.

You're pathetic. Worthless. He doesn't deserve someone as selfish as you. How can you not be happy for him? What are you to him? Nothing. Why do you even try? Why do you keep loving him? Huh? Why do you even try? Do you ever think he'll love you back? Hah. No. He's happy with Hyungwon.

"Shut up!" I shouted out. I sighed deeply. "I know. I just…know. You think I don't know? You think I want to feel like this? You think I don't know I'm worthless? Undeserving? Selfish? You think I don't want to be happy for him? I want to be happy. I want to. I fucking want to. But I can't. I don't want these feelings. I can't help it. I can't fucking help it." Tears were running down my face as I shouted out my feelings. "I know he won't love me back. I know it'll never happen. I know okay? I know he's happy with Hyungwon. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know..." I kept on muttering. I drew my knees up to my body, trying to cocoon myself in fake comfort.

"I know, I know, I know, I fucking know, I know....,"

"Kihyun?"

I froze. I sniffed a little, quickly wiping my eyes dry. I flushed the toilet, cleared my throat and stood up.

"Uhm....Shownu?" my voice came out raspy from the shouting and throwing up. I could still taste the sour acidity on my tongue.

"Yeah. It's me. The guys are ready to go home. Are you coming?"

"No. I don't think I'm coming." My voice cracked as I spoke and I tried to stop my sniffles. A sigh.

"Kihyun we aren't leaving without you." I inwardly groaned at his answer. I couldn't stop my sniffles no matter how hard I tried and I could hear him walking closer to the stall door. "Kihyun are you crying?"

I panicked. What should I say? What should I do?

"What? No. Why would I be crying?" I tried to sound nonchalant like nothing was wrong but my voice came out raspy and tight. I mentally cursed myself for shouting and crying so much.

"Kihyun what's wrong with your voice? Were you shouting? Kihyun were you crying?" Shownu kept inquiring and I kept sniffling.

"No. I already said I wasn't crying. And why would I be shouting and straining my voice? I'm not that irresponsible." My throat ached as I spoke and the feeling of guilt chewed on my heart.

"Kihyun. Fine. Just come out. We won't leave without you." Shownu sighed and I could practically see his hunched shoulders. Another sniffle.

"No you guys leave without me. I'll stay here tonight." Another sigh.

"Kihyun no. We aren't leaving without you."

"I'm fine alone. Just leave me and go." 

I'm not fine alone. Please stay.

"Please Kihyun. Why are you locking yourself inside there?" He was trying to pry the stall door open. "Kihyun what's wrong?"

"Nothing. I just feel like staying here a while is all."

"Kihyun don't lie to me. I know you were sick I can smell it and I'm pretty sure you were crying. Now open this door and tell me what's wrong."

I bitterly laughed. Shownu was always a fatherly figure and I trusted him deeply but I couldn't tell him anything. Not that I didn't want to, I just physically couldn't bring myself to do it.

"I'm fine. I wasn't sick and I definitely wasn't crying. So please just go home without me." I leaned my back against the stall door and slowly slid down until I was back to sitting on the floor.

"Fine if I can't talk some sense into you maybe the others can." I could feel the guilty eating away at me as I heard Shownu leave.  
You're so selfish. Making the others worry for you. Holding them up from going home. They don't deserve a friend like you. You only drag them down. You should just leave the group. 

Just when I thought I couldn't cry anymore, my own body proved me wrong. The tears just kept on flowing. Would they ever stop? My eyes were already red and puffy. Even though I couldn't see I knew. My cheeks were probably stained with salty tears. I was a mess. I couldn't stop the feelings that flowed within me. I wanted them to flow out with my tears but they didn't. I wanted them to escape through my broken sobs that left my lips. I couldn't stop the sobs, tears or feelings. All I could do was let it take over me.

"Kihyun?" I heard Jooheon’s voice call out as a sob left my lips. I quickly clapped my hand over my mouth to stop anymore from escaping. "Kihyun are you okay?" His voice was unsure.

"Of course he's not okay dumbass" I heard Changkyun chime in. Then a heard an orchestra of 'shh's and a hastily whispered, "he isn't supposed to know we're all here." Wonho. I'd recognise his voice anywhere. Why were they all here?

"You know you guys can just leave without me. I'm fine." I called out, surprised that my voice was still rough and sounded like I smoked 20 cigarettes a day. I closed my eyes and laid my head against the stall door. I was so tired. I just wanted them to go so I could be alone. I rubbed my eyes. They burned as I did, a distraction from the pain I felt inside.

"Kihyun we know you aren't okay. First off it smells like you've been sick in here. Secondly we heard you sobbing from outside. And thirdly your voice sounds like you've been straining your vocals, meaning you were shouting. So don't try to tell us you're okay when we know you aren't." Hyungwon spoke with care in his voice. It made me feel bad. Bad that I was worrying them. Bad that I was lying to them. Bad that deep down I hated him. I couldn't keep it in. The guilt was killing me but the more they talked the more the feelings built up in me. I bit my lip harshly, drawing blood, trying to keep my feelings inside. However I couldn’t help but let out a strangled sob as the tears once again ran down my face. I could hear the members whispering amongst each other, frantically, but as I let out another the sob it seemed as if the room had been silenced. Had they left? I didn’t hear them leave. But it was so silent that they couldn’t still be there. 

"Kihyun?" I gasped. Wonho. Why was he still here? "The others have gone out. They decided to go without you."

"Then...then why are you still here?" Hearing his voice I could barely choke out my sentence. The feelings in my chest weighed down on me. I could practically hear his smile as we spoke. My chest tightened. I couldn’t breathe.

"Well we couldn't leave you behind like this all alone. So I decided to stay, you know, in case you want to go home so you have someone to walk with.” I didn't know what to say so I sat silent. I felt kind of empty. Not like my feelings were gone but a more of an empty feeling that was more prominent than my other feelings. Like pain medication for my aching heart, giving me a temporary moment where I couldn’t feel the burden of my feelings.

"Kihyun? I know you're listening. You don't have to say anything but…just listen. Okay?” A small pause. “I have no idea what you're going through or why you’re feeling this way but you know you can tell me, right? I've always thought that you trusted me enough to tell me what was wrong but I guess I was wrong. But that doesn't matter. I just…want you to know that if you need a shoulder to cry on or a person to vent out your feelings to I'm right here. I’m always here. And I always will be. Although I'd prefer if you didn't puke all over me. But seriously I'm your shoulder to cry on and the person to talk to. So please come out and tell me what’s bothering you. Or don’t. Whatever works for you."

It took me 2 seconds to unlock the stall door and fling myself into Wonho's arms. I couldn’t help myself. I was selfish and stupid. But it was like he was waiting. Like he knew I'd do this. I buried my face into his hoodie, wrapping my arms around his sturdy body. As he enclosed his arms around me I couldn't help but think I shouldn't be here but no matter what it was always Wonho and it will always be Wonho.

Not a single word was uttered. He silently rubbed my back like he knew why I was crying and wanted to comfort me. And I cried into his chest like I belonged there. 

But I didn't.

We stayed that way for a while before I finally regained my posture. I couldn't look Wonho in the eyes. This wasn’t right. I had thrown myself at Wonho. I had cried on Wonho. I had hugged Wonho. And it was only Wonho who I did this to. Everyone had tried to get me out the stall but only Wonho succeeded. It was always Wonho. Only Wonho. And I was always faithful to him no matter how much he hurt me without knowing. No matter what. I cleared my throat as we stepped apart. 

“Thank you.” I muttered before turning to flee. I was about to successfully escape from this awkward situation when I felt a hand grab mine. I tried to move again hoping I could get away and he’d let me. Instead I was yanked back into his chest. I panicked and quickly moved away. He still had a grip on my hand and wouldn’t let go. I looked at his face avoiding his eyes. 

“Wonho. You can let go. I’m fine now.” That empty feeling was gone, the aching feeling back. His grip on my hand caused a tingling sensation to course through my arm. I wanted him to let go. I couldn’t control myself around him. Wonho just looked at me. He kept trying to meet my eyes but I kept evading his eyes. Wonho brought his hand up to my cheek and softly wiped away the tears that were unconsciously escaping my eyes. I froze. Our eyes met and I could feel the nausea creeping up my throat. Wonho sadly smiled down at me, I could see the pity in his eyes. The feeling of nausea increased causing the room to spin and my insides to turn. I was shaking. Everything became blurry. There was a sharp pain behind my eyes before I collapsed at Wonho’s feet.


	4. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This will be the last chapter I post before I leave to go on holiday. Now I'm not taking a hiatus. I'll work on this while I'm on holiday and at any chance I have WiFi I'll post a chapter. Hope you enjoy this chapter.

Chapter 3

Minhyuk’s pov

Nunc Scio quid sit Amor - Now I know what love is.

It physically hurt. It really did. It hurt to move. It hurt to breathe. It hurt to even blink. But what could I do? Scream and cry at a pain only I felt and understood? Worry the others for something as stupid and irrelevant as my feelings? No. I wasn't that selfish and I never would be. Everyone else's happiness was more important than my own. My happiness didn't matter. My pain didn't matter. So I smiled, masking my pain and sadness. A perfect charade for the forever happy Minhyuk. No one suspected a thing when there was the perfect couple to focus on. I gazed at them through the mirror. I couldn't look directly at them, too afraid I'd break my façade. They were sat together, hands intertwined. Everyone had stopped fussing over them like they were a newlywed couple and settled to watching them from afar. I watched as Wonho leaned over and whispered something on Wonho's ear that caused him to bashfully smile and look away. I watched as a pretty pink tint spread across Hyungwons cheeks. I watched as Hyungwon lay his head on Wonho's shoulder. I watched as Wonho stroked Hyungwons hair. I watched their smiles widen as they gazed at each other. I watched as the love that was meant for me blossomed before my eyes. I couldn't look away so I just closed my eyes. I laid my head in my hands as the scenes of the happy couple flashed in my mind. I imagined myself in Wonho's place. I imagined myself whispering sweet nothings into Hyungwons ear. I imagined feeling the warmth of his hand in mine. I imagined stroking his soft hair. I imagined being happy. I was immersing myself in my own fake solace. 

"Minhyuk? Minhyuuuk? Minnie?!?" My eyes flew open to see Hyungwon sat in front of me. I looked around the practice room.

"Everyone else is downstairs. They're waiting for us. Kihyun and Wonho are staying behind though." I kept my eyes on the mirror. I refused to look at Hyungwon even in the mirror.

"Why are Kihyun and Wonho staying?" my voice was monotonous but my ruse was starting to fall apart being so close to Hyungwon.

"Kihyun ran out remember? Uhm...he isn't so well. He was sick in the toilets and was crying. He refused to come out of the stall. Wonho wanted to stay behind and keep him company in case he wanted to come back to the dorm later." Hyungwon seemed surprised that I didn't remember Kihyun running out. Was I really that out of it?

"Oh. Well why are you still here?" I closed my eyes again and settled onto the floor, laying down. I could feel Hyungwons gaze on my body and it took all my willpower not to squirm under his stare.

"Well I'm here to wake you up and take you downstairs so we can go home." Hyungwons voice was a bit strained as he spoke.

"I don't want to go home. I'll just sleep here. You can go home." My voice was faint, an almost whisper. 

"Minnie. Are you alright? You don't seem okay."

"Don't call me that. I'm fine. Perfect. Just bloody perfect." I grit my teeth and clenched my fists, I couldn't handle this.

"Minnie. Please. Tell me if anything is wrong. I know you aren't alright. You show your emotions so easily. Please Minnie. Tell me." Hyungwon kept prying, determined for an answer. Why was he so stubborn? I sighed and rolled over so my back was facing him. A few seconds of peace. Of silence. Then a hand on my shoulder, shaking me. My shoulder was set on fire. I wanted to jump away from him but instead I shrugged his hand off.

"Minnie. Please. Minnie." He kept shaking my shoulder. It hurt. I wanted to move away but the pain had gotten to my nerves and it was like I was paralyzed. I kept ignoring him, hoping if I did this enough he'd leave me alone. But he didn't.

"Minnie. Minnie. You can't ignore me forever. Minnie."

"STOP! Just...stop. Stop calling me that. I don't want you to call me that. Don't call me that again. Just leave me alone. Don't touch me. Don't talk to me. Just don't. It hurts too much. It just hurts way too much and I don't want this pain. I want to go back." I jumped up, pushing Hyungwon away. I moved back, shaking, as Hyungwon moved forward reaching out for me.

"Minnie. Minhyuk. What's wrong? You can tell me." He moved towards me again, reaching for my hand. I snatched my hand away, tears brimming my wide eyes.

"Don't touch me. I don't want this. I don't need this. Just please leave me alone."

"Minnie-"

"I said to not call me that." My voice cracked and the tears threatened to spill. I couldn't take it anymore. Being near him hurt, I needed to get away. I turned and I ran. I couldn't take the lift that'd take too long. So I opted for the stairs, not caring if I strain my foot. I could hear Hyungwon running after me and with those giraffe legs he'd catch up quick. Adrenaline rushed through me, desperate to escape from the crushing pain. I managed to make it down the stairs faster than I thought I would. I ran out front and saw the rest of the members waiting patiently by the van. I debated running past them or away from them but the destination I had in mind required me to run past them. I gathered up all the courage I had and made a run for it. I hoped to pass them without them noticing but obviously that didn't happen. I could now hear the rest of the members calling for me. I tried to block them out until I got to a distance where I could no longer hear their cries. They were probably going to try and chase after me so I kept running until I was certain I was far from where the entertainment building was. When I was far enough I stopped for a minute to catch my breath and gather my bearings. I looked around. I'd run quite far. There was a cold breeze tonight and I realised I hadn't taken my jacket. Which also meant I didn't have my phone. Which meant I couldn't call Mark to tell him I'm going to his dorm. Damn. Guess I'll just have to turn up uninvited.

I started out on the short walk to the dorm. I hadn't realised I'd been running into the right neighbourhood until I stopped running and I thanked God at how lucky I was. This meant I could get out of the cold faster and also off the streets because I was sure the members were looking for me. Soon I was in front of a door, cautiously knocking. What if they were asleep? Then I heard a muffled bang followed with haste steps. The door opened to reveal a very mussed up Jackson. His hair was all over the place and he wasn't wearing a shirt. I panicked. Did I just wake him up?

"Minhyuk?" Jackson tried to hide the surprise in his voice. Tried being the operative word. "What are you doing here?" I looked at Jackson, apologetically.

"Sorry to bother you so late. I was just wondering if Mark was up. I'm sorry again. Did I wake you up?" I bit my tongue. It was happening again. The never ending talking. Jackson looked at me confused.

"No you didn't wake me up. I was just in the middle of something. And yeah Mark is still up. Uh come on in." He seemed a little grumpy, I guess I must have interrupted something really important. He held the door open grudgingly for me and I gingerly stepped inside. The door was closed behind me and I was left standing there awkward. Jackson turned his attention back to me after he locked the door.

"Mark is just in the living room. Tell him I went to the bedroom." I awkwardly smiled at Jackson. I don't know what was wrong with me today. I guess I just wasn't in my element. I watched Jackson walk away before making my way to the living room. There I found a very dishevelled Mark sitting on the couch watching TV. When I entered the room Mark looked up.

"Minhyuk?" As soon as he said my name I burst into tears. And I don't mean just crying I mean the burst out into tears fall on the floor sobbing crying. Mark rushed to my side as I wailed. I sat down on the floor next to me and hugged my shoulders. I buried my face into his chest as he hugged me, gently rubbing my back.

"Minnie what's wrong?" Mark worriedly asked and at the use of my nickname I let out a broken sob. I couldn't keep it in anymore. I couldn't hide behind a smile anymore. I was weak.

"Just cry it out." I sobbed into Marks chest for 20 minutes before I finally stopped. I gingerly moved away from Mark. His shirt was wet with my tears and I felt bad. I wanted to apologize but I could barely form a coherent sentence in my head.

"Sorry. I just can't...don't...wish I...what's wrong." My words came out broken and complete gibberish. I sighed and opened my mouth to try to speak again but Mark beat me to it.

"You don't have to apologise or explain anything. Just take your time okay?" Mark was always so caring. He was like an older brother instead of just a friend which is why I needed to explain myself. I vigorously shook my head as I rubbed my eyes.

"Sorry. I just can't take it anymore. I don't want these feelings and wish they would go away. Sorry. I just don't know what's wrong." The words just spilled out and I didn't know how to explain anything to him. Mark just squeezed my shoulders and pulled me into a hug again.

"I told you that nothing needs to be explained. If it's too painful for you just leave it. But Minhyuk just know you can't bury your feelings forever. Now come on. You can sleep in my bed today. I'll sleep with Jackson." He helped me up and led me to his room where Jackson was casually scrolling through his phone. He didn't look up as we walked in. I didn't bother asking for a change of clothing and just settled down in Marks bed. I mumbled a quick goodnight before turning so that my back faced Jackson and Mark. The flip of a switch and the sound of a bed creaking. I turned so I was on my back and stared at the black wall.

"STOP! Just...stop. Stop calling me that. I don't want you to call me that. Don't call me that again. Just leave me alone. Don't touch me. Don't talk to me. Just don't. It hurts too much. It just hurts way too much and I don't want this pain. I want to go back."

"Don't touch me. I don't want this. I don't need this. Just please leave me alone."  
"Minnie-"  
"I said to not call me that." 

"Minhyuk just know you can't bury your feelings forever."

The words resounded in my head. What had I done? I had potentially ruined a perfectly good friendship over something as stupid as my feelings. I wanted to keep my feelings to myself but I had let them spill out so easily. I always prided myself on keeping my feelings to myself but in front of Hyungwon I had broken down, revealing parts of me I never wanted anyone to see. But it was unbearable. I remember the weight on my heart and the pain that coursed through my veins. Feelings I had always managed to handle but in front of Hyungwon I had become weak. I had crumbled in front of him. He opened up places in my heart, good and bad, that even I didn't know I had. I guess now, now I know what love is.

Hyungwons pov. (Am I confusing you with all these pov's?)

I wondered the streets aimlessly. Where had Minhyuk run off to? I hugged my jacket close as a cold breeze bit at my bones. I sighed as I shivered. Minhyuk didn't take his jacket. If he's still out he's bound to be freezing. Guilt ate away at me. I remembered the words that left his mouth.

"Don't touch me. I don't want this. I don't need this. Just please leave me alone."

I didn't get it. What did I do to make him act like that towards me? Minhyuk was always a touchy person. He enjoyed skin ship so it didn't make sense that he didn't want me to touch him unless I'd done something bad. Minhyuk enjoyed my company. I knew that. We'd gotten a lot closer and he loved to hang out with me. But now he suddenly wanted me to leave him alone. What had I done to make him act this way towards me? I was clueless. But I knew it must have been something big because the Minhyuk I knew would never act this way. I sighed again. I messed up big time. I was the reason Minhyuk had run away and now the members have to worry about that plus Kihyun.

I screamed and punched the wall next to me. It felt good for a second but then the pain shot through my hand. I groaned in pain and fell to my knees. I clutched my hand to my chest. I was such an idiot. I somehow managed to chase Minhyuk away and cause the members worry. Now I had most likely broken my fingers. I couldn't bring myself to move so I sat in the street. The only thing on my mind was Minhyuk until Wonho found me.

Wonho's pov (Seriously am I confusing you?)

Kihyun fell at my feet so suddenly that I can barely had time to react. One minute he seemed okay the next he was falling to the floor. I barely managed to catch him at the last minute. I hauled him up and carried him bridal style. What was I supposed to do? The members. They might still be here. I rushed out the restroom and got downstairs as fast as the lift would let me. Luckily I found the members still by the van however they seemed to be in more distress than me. As soon as they saw me coming they rushed up to me.

"What happened to Kihyun?!?" Changkyun was the first to speak up and he seemed to be panicking. All of them seemed to be panicking.

"He fainted but I think he'll be fine. We just need to get him to the dorm so he can rest. So let's go." I took charge and marched back to the van where I laid Kihyun down in a seat. I looked back to see if the others were there but instead they were just standing there. I left Kihyun in the car, a little hesitant. I walked up to the rest of the members. I realised that two of them were missing.

"Guys where are Minhyuk and Hyungwon?" At the mention of those names the atmosphere changed. Shownu looked at me gravely.

"Minhyuk ran off for some reason. Then 10 seconds after Minhyuk, Hyungwon comes running out chasing Minhyuk. We don't know where they both went. Hyungwon has his phone but Minhyuk doesn't. Although Hyungwon isn't picking up his phone." I tried to digest the things that Shownu was explaining to me. Minhyuk ran away. Hyungwon ran after him. They're both lost. This was all too overwhelming. First Kihyun breaks down in the toilets and faints then Minhyuk runs away and Hyungwon runs after him. It kind of felt like the group was falling apart and from the rest of the member’s faces they felt the same. I debated what to do. As one of the oldest I had a responsibility.

Should I stay with Kihyun or run after Hyungwon?

I knew Kihyun needed me when he woke up and I couldn't just leave him. Not when I saw him in such a weak state. He needed me and I needed to be there for him. But then there was Hyungwon. I couldn't leave my boyfriend wondering the streets looking for Minhyuk. Knowing Hyungwon he probably blamed himself for Minhyuk running away and that spelled disaster. He always let his emotions control him and that led to him doing stupid stuff. I needed to find him because I needed him.

I was tearing myself apart. Stay and look after the one who needed me or leave and look for the one I needed?

In the end I chose the one I needed over the one who needed me. That's just how love is.

Now you know what love is.


	5. Chapter 4 - Part 1

Amoris Vulnus Idem Sanat Qui Facit – The wound of love is healed by the same who makes it (Syrus)

 

Kihyuns pov

 

Somehow even after expecting him not to be there, I still deep down hoped he would be there when I woke up. What were his words? ‘I’m always here. And I always will be.’ I bitterly laughed as I turned on my side in bed and curled into a ball under the safe protection of my blanket, staring blankly at the wall.

Did you actually think he’d pick you over his boyfriend?

 I didn’t respond to the voice in my head because there was no point. I was foolish for even having that glimmer of hope. 

Stupid foolish Kihyun. Couldn’t help yourself could you?

I shook my head, trying to banish the voice in my head. I listened to the creak of the springs in the bed as my weight shifted. Everyone was at the hospital worried out of their minds. Worried about Hyungwons hand, worried about Minhyuk who had apparently ran away and worried about me having refused any medical help. With everyone gone the dorm was eerily quiet. I hated it. Silence only gave the voice in my head an opportunity to speak. I desperately needed something to do – to keep my mind occupied. I gently rolled out of bed, blanket still wrapped around my frail body. I barely had enough strength to make it to Wonho's room. I knew I shouldn't do this. The voice in my head was screaming for me to not do this. But I couldn't help myself. I needed to feel like he was there even though he wasn't. I set my head down on his pillow and breathed in his scent. Rosemary, apple blossoms, lily, peach tree, violet, vanilla, jasmine, camphor and edelweiss. The distinct scent of his favourite cologne. He wore it all the time, to the point where it had just become his natural scent. I took in another deep breath, allowing myself to be immersed in his scent. For me to imagine he was with me and not Hyungwon before that voice in my head decided to talk.

You can't keep doing this. You're being stupid. 

Why can't I just let myself be happy for just a little moment? 

Because you can't. You were never meant to be happy. This is your life now. Unhappiness. Get used to it. You never deserved happiness anyway.

I shook my head frantically. No. I deserved to be happy. I know I did. Or did I? Maybe I really wasn't deserving of happiness. Why would the voice inside of my head lie? He was me and I was him. I shook my head again trying to oust the thoughts from my mind but they stayed at the forefront of my mind even when I retired to watching tv in the living room. I wrapped the blanket around me tighter as I glanced at my phone for the first time since waking up. There were a number of text messages from the members. 

Changkyunnie: Don't over work yourself when you wake up hyung :)

Joohoney: Are you ok hyung I'm worried for your health :(

Son Hyunwoo: rest. We'll talk about this later.

Mark: Minhyuk crashed at our place dw  

Wonho(avoid at all costs): sorry i coulnt stay hyungwon needed me you understand right

My breath hitched when I read the message. I had known he'd chosen Hyungwon over me but this message was like a punch to the gut. Wonho had chosen Hyungwon over him. And he would always do the same. My throat contricted, my breathing became more laboured and that sick feeling was back in my stomach. I was nothing to Wonho and I would never be anything to him ever. My stomach churned at the thought, making me hunch over in pain. He had even asked if I understood. I so desperately wanted to type back furiously that I always had to understand - for once when would he understand. Understand that the pain I felt every single day was slowly killing the spirit in my heart. That the voice in my head was slowly leading me to suicide. When would he understand that one day the Kihyun he knew would be gone, replaced by an empty shell? When would he understand that one day I'd go out for a walk and never come back? Instead I just placed my phone beside me and numbly stared at the tv. 

When will you listen to me? I told you he does not care for you! When will you get that through your thick skull? When will you fucking understand that your life is nothing? You are nothing! You mean nothing to him and he does not...

The voice in my head went on for hours and hours until the rest of the members minus Minhyuk arrived. Hyungwonho walked through the door hand in hand. Hyungwon's hand was banadaged up and Wonho brought the bandaged hand up to his lips to kiss it. A blush creeped up Hyungwon's neck and vomit crawled up my throat. I tried to swallow it but the more I looked at them the further it crawled up until finally I ran from the living room to the bathroom. I didn't think I could puke anything else out of my stomach but once again my body proved me wrong. I hurled up what looked to be yesterdays food straight into the toilet bowl. I could feel someone rubbing my back as I puked and I couldn't help but hope it was Wonho. I was wrong again because when I was finally finished puking up my stomach it was Changkyun who helped me up and back into my room. Once I was settled in bed again, I turned so that I was looking at the wall and Changkyun or anyone else who was there was looking at my back. 

"Hyung," Changkyun's voice was pleading. He shook my shoulder gently, desperately wanting my attention. I wanted to turn around, to reassure everyone that I was okay but I couldn't lie. I didn't have the energy nor the willpower to do so. I stayed with my back facing the people who actually cared and worried about me. What was I doing? Alienating the few people I could rely on to be there for me unlike Wonho. What else could I do but fuck things up for me even more? 

"Hyung just know I'll be in my room if you need me." He sighed as he got up and left the room. Even after Changkyun had left I could still hear someone shuffling around the room restlessly. Finally the shuffling stopped replaced by a gruff clearing of the throat. I knew who it was straight away. 

"KIhyun. Listen. I don't know what's been going on with you and Minhyuk lately and I can't claim to understand," a short awkward pause - almost as if he couldn't think of the words to say. "Kihyun we've always shared things as a group. We've always stuck together since debut because we need eachother. If you've got something on your mind just know you can tell us. We can help. Just please tell us so we know what's hurting you so badly. It hurts the other members to see you so upset." With that last point Shownu left. 'It hurts the other members'. A pang of guilt shot through my chest. I was burden to the group. However a small part of me couldn't help but wonder why Wonho was so unaffected.

God, Kihyun you're so selfish. Yet again. Making the members worry.

I shook my head, vigorously. I needed time to think without the annoying voice in my head present. I waited till everyone was asleep before I snuck out to the rooftop. The rooftop was the one place where the voice in my head didn't make an appearance. It was quiet and calming with just the sounds of the busy city buzzing in the background. I settled myself on the edge of the building so that my legs freely dangled. Sitting there gave me a rush. I could easily tip forward so that my body weight pulled towards gravity and I would be free falling. On the rooftop I felt as if everything was gone. As if I could just die in that moment and I wouldn't care because on the rooftop I was content. 

The fierce breeze of the wind made me feel as if I could fly. I slowly stood up and balanced myself so that I was walking along the edge of the building. The wind made balancing hard and everytime I almost lost my balance I laughed. I laughed because I was playing a game with death. I laughed and laughed until I was crying. How had I ended up here on the rooftop playing russian roulette with death? How had I ended up not even caring if my foot slipped and I fell? But how had I also ended up caring too much? How had I ended up loving Wonho? 

Crying had blurred my vision and all of a sudden my foot slipped. I didn't panic just accepted it but my body thought differently, desperately grasping for something to hold on to. I was 5 seconds away from free falling. 5 seconds away from the pain ending forever before a hand grabbed the hand I had unconsciously held out for help. 3 seconds later I am pressed against someones chest. My feet once again touching solid ground. I looked up to see who had saved me and all the feelings I was so close to escaping from came crashing right back down on me. Wonho's beautiful chocolate orbs stared back at my tear filled eyes. I couldn't handle it all. So I screamed. 

"WHY? WHY DID YOU SAVE ME?" I shrieked. My throat ached, sore from all the puking and shouting I had done. "I DIDN'T WANT SAVING. I WANTED IT TO END. IT'S ALL YOU'RE FAULT." My voice broke as I punched Wonho's chest repeatedly. Confusion painted all over his face. I lost strength from all the punching very quickly and fell to the floor whispering, "It's all you're fault. It's all you're fault. It's all you're..." I stared at the ground numbly. Wonho slowly grabbed my shoulders and helped me back to my room.

Whoever said that the wound of love is healed by the same who makes it was lying. Wonho's words of ‘I’m always here. And I always will be’ was just salt to rub in the wound he had created. The wound of love has salt rubbed in it by the same one who make it.


	6. Chapter 4 - Part 2

Minhyuk's pov

I restlessly turned in bed. I could hear Mark and Jackson's steady breaths from the bed beside me but I couldn't even close my eyes without the scene flashing through my mind. What had I done? I was so stupid. How could I break my facade? I had to be the same old happy go lucky Minhyuk -no- I needed to be the same old happy go lucky Minhyuk for my sake and for everyone else's. Happy Minhyuk could do anything. Happy Minhyuk could make everyone believe he was okay. Happy Minhyuk wouldn't let his feelings for Hyungwon get in the way of anything. I took a deep breath before, quietly, getting out of bed. I walked to the bathroom and stared at myself in the mirror. I looked tired but I couldn't sleep.

I turned the tap on and watched as the water,mesmerisingly, fell down the drain. Water was so versatile. So easy to bend to the will of everything. So easy to adapt to any given situation. If only I were the same. I gathered some water in my hands and splashed my face with some water. The cold water did nothing to make me feel any different. What had I been expecting? A sudden baptism? A way to get rid of the feelings I had just as a baptism got rid of sins? Wake up call Minhyuk. These feelings were not going to go away anytime soon. But maybe something could relieve me of these feelings even for the tiniest bit of time. Maybe for a minute I could be a completely free of all the feelings I had. But what could do that? All feelings couldn't just be forgotten but maybe I could be distracted from them. My mind drifted to the razor I knew was in the cupboard underneath the sink but I shook my head. No. Happy Minhyuk. Happy Minhyuk. Happy Minhyuk. I needed to do something where my thoughts could be forgotten. A place where I focused solely on one thing. 

The practice room. 

I turned the tap off, watching the last of the water disappear down the drain in a swirling vortex. I left the bathroom as soon as the water had disappeared and searched the draws slowly to find some paper and a pen. As soon as I found some (after a bit of a search), I wrote down a note for Mark. I knew he'd be worried if he woke up and suddenly found me gone. It was a quick half hearted note but it would do the job. The floorboards creaked as I tried to soundlessly get out of the house, tried being the operative word. I moved way too loudly, at least it was loud to me in the dead silence of the night. Luckily everyone stayed asleep and I was able to make it out. 

The streets of Seoul at night weren't the friendliest. Drunks staggered past loudly shouting into the night. It was never safe at this time of night, drunken brawls were common and even worse crimes such as murder were often committed at this time. But I couldn't think about that or else I wouldn't have the courage to walk the rest of the way to the company building. The empty streets were eerie and had it not been for the sound of the occasional car and the wind then the streets would have been even worse, they would have been completely silent. The lights casted strange shadows on the street and every time I looked up I expected to see Slender man standing there, waiting for me. This made me walk even faster and I made it to the company building in no time at all. Access was easy considering how late it was for him to be going there. Maybe the security guard had fallen asleep, a common occurrence, but I couldn't blame the guy because who would want to stay up all night with just their thoughts for company. 

The practice room lights flickered on. It was cold in the room but it didn't matter since the exercise would heat me up pretty quickly. I popped in our CD and walked to the middle of the practice room and stared at my reflection in the mirror. I looked so tired. And sad. My shoulders drooped and my facial expression drooped as well. With furrowed eyebrows and a frowning mouth. I was so busy staring at myself that I almost missed the beat and messed up the beginning of the dance. Dancing helped. With my focus on dancing there was no room for me to think of anything else. With every concise move, every laboured breath, every beat of the song I forgot that I even had a reason to be sad and thoroughly enjoyed myself completely immersed in the dancing. I danced and danced and danced until my body ached and screamed at me to stop. When I finally stopped dancing I could feel the euphoria wash over me. I laughed, genuinely happy. But like everything my happiness didn't last very long because the minute I turned to switch off the music I saw him. Leaning against the wall, his long figure reaching to switch off the music for me. And just like the flip of a switch everything came crashing down on me like waves during a tsunami. My smile dropped and I felt a sense of foreboding replace my euphoria. 

"Why are you here?" my voice was cold, which was unusual for me and I could tell Hyungwon was surprised to hear me speak that way because his eyebrows furrowed. How did he manage to even look cute with his eyebrows furrowed? 

"Well the security guard informed our manager that you were here who informed me. So I came down here as quickly as I could." he spoke fast as if he was nervous to be having this conversation. He paused and stared at his hand. My eyes fell to his hand as well when I realised it was bandaged up. What did he do? "You ran away Minn- I mean Minhyuk. I ran after you but I lost you and couldn't find you. I was so worried and angry. At myself. I was the reason you ran away right?" He looked at me expecting an answer but I only looked backed at him blankly. He held up his hand sheepishly when he noticed me staring. "I punched a wall. Just badly bruised is all. Nothing serious." Guilt ate away at me. I was the reason he was hurt, if I had kept my facade then none of this would have happened. I needed to forget my real feelings. Disassociate. I remembered how it felt to be distracted about my feelings and I focused on one thought alone. It was easier to pretend everything was okay than to feel like everything was falling apart. 

"I'm fine. You didn't need to look for me. I just needed some air was all and I got it. So I'm fine. See?" I smiled at him weakly, desperately hoping he would see it was all an act. But maybe he, too, was desperate to pretend that everything between us was okay because he just beamed back as if nothing had even happened between us. My heart sank and the pain spread through my veins again.

"Well then come on. Let's get back to the dorm. You must be exhausted after all the practicing Minnie." Hyungwon grabbed my arm and dragged me out the building. We had reverted back to the way things were, pretending as if nothing had happened at all. But this time for me something was different. Not the fake happiness I had used as protection, that had always been there, but rather a tear in my heart. A tear in my heart allowing a poison called Hyungwon to seep in and slowly kill me. 

It was a lie. The wound of love isn't healed by the one who makes it. It's poisoned by the one who makes it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hiii. I'm sorry if my writing has really deteriorated lately. I've lost a huge amount of confidence in my writing. And I'm sorry if my writing has been bad in any way or if you've hated my writing.


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